When I fly I love wearing the same old t-shirt that I have had for a while. It is really soft, well worn and slightly baggy. The t-shirt features a drawing of Walter White in his Heisenberg persona from the show Breaking Bad. For whoever hasn’t seen the show (you fools!), it is about the gradual transformation of a mild-mannered high school teacher into a criminal mastermind and drug lord. Now go watch it!
So on this particular day I wore this shirt as I was traveling back to England from a short break to Amsterdam. It was around 7.30 in the morning so I was a little bit grumpy. I walked through that huge metal machine that is bathing everyone in strange radiation rays and slowly killing us all. The metal alarm goes off. For some reason the alarm always goes off for me. Cue full body invasive pat-down. On a side note, has anyone in the history of airport pat-downs ever found anything? I feel you’d have to be a pretty rookie criminal to try and sneak anything nefarious onto a plane in your jean pockets.
So as I was getting the post death-machine pat-down a security woman in my periphery called over to where I was standing and shouted:
Make sure you check him. He may be carrying crystal meth!
It was early. I was disgruntled. I had forgotten that I was wearing the Heisenberg t-shirt so I had no idea was she was talking about! The mention of drugs made my heart rate immediately speed up. The blood rushed from my face. I have never touched drugs but in that moment I suddenly became convinced I had a secret addiction and that I was surreptitiously smuggling crystal meth through Amsterdam airport security. I would be blacklisted from flying and would have to spend the rest of my days in Dutch prisons. As I am lacking on the brawn front I knew I’d probably have to make acquaintances with the biggest inmate, probably called ‘Bubba’, and I’d teach him how to read in exchange for protection.
In my inner state of panic I turned and looked at the security woman who just smiled, pointed at my t-shirt and said “Cool shirt”.
How could she do that to me?! If I am not allowed to joke about drugs at the airport then surely security aren’t allowed either. We need some sort of mutual agreement here.
I now wear a blank shirt whenever I fly.